IT BBEGINS…

The Daily Mail can whine as much as they want, this year's (the last ever!) Celebrity Big Brother has got Team Rockband chomping at the bit for 27 days of appalling A-list antics and more stellar shenanigans and rocky fall outs than the backend of Halley's Comet.  
Don't pretend you don't care! Let's face it, you're skint, we're skint, that's why Celeb BB is so important right now. It's either Z-list or Zzzzzs as our lives grind to a skint halt after the 'festive period'.
Here's a quick rundown of who's who and what they're REALLY all about...
DANE BOWERS – Jordan’s ex, one time Another Level member, and one of the fittest fat men to ever roam planet pop. I actually bought ‘Shut up and forget about it’ when it was released way back in 2001. I hope this stint on CBB relaunches his career.

STEPHEN BALDWIN – One of the ‘Baldwin Brothers’, Stephen is a religious nut who runs his own ministry that exists solely “to facilitate the gifts and calling of Stephen Baldwin”. How did this happen? He says: “September 11th kind of freaked me out. I said, “Hey, what’s this all about?  My wife’s a Jesus freak. Maybe it’s time I begin thinking about this faith thing.”  Pursued it, became born again, accepted the Lord, baptized in water.”

It is also worth noting that he has a Hannah Montana tattoo and may be familiar to fans of The Flintstones… he played Barney Rubble in the movie.

NICOLA T – One for the lads! (OK pretty much the only one for the lads unless you like dwarfy chavs, older sophisticated women, muscular trannies or even retired hookers). Nicola T won The Sun’s Page 3 Idol and true to form has shagged lots of footballers, including Bobby Zamora who once claimed he had a blown up photo of her chest above his bed. Classy and not at all like a 14 year old little tosser at all, eh Bobby?

VINNIE JONES – Welsh national footballer and ‘actor’ (no he’s not a victim of typecasting! He just happens to play a thug in every film!), who is famed for being a member of the Wimbledon FC ‘Crazy Gang’ back in the day when footballers were men and not whining ponces, and for grabbing Paul Gascoigne’s testes.  Adding to his rough as fuck credentials is the fact that he was born in Watford.

BASSHUNTER – He’s handsome, he cured himself of Tourettes, he’s Swedish and he made a porno. Basshunter, real name Jonas Erik Altberg, also makes the world of Clubland compilation CDs go round with his catchy bouncy synthy dancey crap. It’s kind of always been a dream of mine to get Basshunter on WANARB… and now it’s happened and HazMat can’t stop me as it’s ‘topical’, mwahahaha! 1-0 to Simsek!

LADY SOVEREIGN – She’s 5’1, which firmly places her in my hate zone (I have a general disdain towards short women). Last year, she spat in a bouncer’s face after getting in a fight with a he-she in the toilets of a club in Brisbane. Brits abroad!

ALEX REID – He’s a crossdressing cage fighter and he’s Jordan’s latest squeeze. He looks like an idiot and when you bear in mind he got dumped LIVE on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! yet still went crawling back for more you really have to think ‘Perhaps he IS an idiot’. Or perhaps he’s just living a masochist’s dream life. Reports suggest he’s been told to shut the frock up during his stint on CBB – both literally and about his relationship with feminist icon Katie Price. Other reports suggest he gave Dane Bowers a battering before they went on the show. That better be a lie! No one touches my Dane!

EKATERINA IVANOVA – Calm down petrolheads, she ain’t got a Nova (or a Cavalier) but she has got a reputation for being a dirty little husband stealing scrubber. Yes it’s Ronnie Wood’s ex, the little Russian doll troll he was recently seen dragging through the streets by her throat. No fool like an old fool, eh Ron?

SISQO – Hmmm, is there some-thong wrong with sleeping with fans? Well yes there is you gyrating little pervert when the one you allegedly knocked up was only 14 years old! For any teens out there who want to play with him (as opposed to the other way around) a Sisqo doll was made in 2001. When I was young and growing up in the ghetto known as High Wycombe, I heard that he always dyed his hair different colours as lots of people wanted to kill him and it was his way of staying on the DL. Yeah as green hair is discreet, innit?

HEIDI FLEISS – Cosmetic surgery casualty and ex-brothel madame Fleiss is an American vegetarian who now runs a dog grooming business in Arizona. She used to sell whores to hot Hollywood heartthrobs like sexy sex addict Charlie Sheen.

STEPHANIE BEACHAM – She starred alongside Joan Collins (my idol) in Dynasty, and later alongside Alma from Coronation Street in the equally hardhitting and high octane series Bad Girls. She lives in a pink home in Malibu.

So, who are you backing? Personally I’m Team Baldwin and HazMat’s backing Vinnie, whilst  AK47’s a bit more philosophical about it all – “I hope Reid slaps Bowers about a bit, and I hope that Sisqo and Sov get.it.on. That would be hella funny. Vinne Jones is the favourite, but I don’t want him to win, cos he should be in jail right about now.”

I hope someone does get lamped, we need TV gold to start the decade.

Kara Simsek

14 Responses to “IT BBEGINS…”

  1. Lady Sov is a typical nan kid. The glamour ‘model’ has a chin like Jimmy Hill. Stephen has that intense way of speaking, sure sign he’s a nut. Vinnie is Ronnie’s bessie. He also owes money to the tax man. The vice chick is well scary, looks like the joker, I want her to win. Ain’t Baldwin homophobic too.. And i thought Sisqó was bi, and Lady Sov’s gay? Dane put his toes up Jordan’s quim, no more to be said.

    With all that, vice queen & sisqo joint winners.

  2. Sam my money’s on Beacham, the dark horse. She’s hilarious. She’s in a total dream world. I’ll be pissed off if Ivanova gets her gold digging claws in to Basshunter. God knows what diseases she caught from ‘rinkly Ron – I don’t want him to get sick and stop churning out the massif choons.

  3. Maytheooo Says:

    BaldWIN.

    Biodome. All I’m saying.

  4. Haha – 1-0 to you it is indeed Kara… You got me this time.

    Have you noticed how much Jordans boyf actually looks like Jordan in that picture?

  5. maxwinnipeg Says:

    Team Baldwin!! Although Heidi’s abortion comment last night was classic!

  6. I am 100% Team Baldwin.

    WHY?

    Well ‘cos he said this!

    “Jesus isn’t a logo, I’m not promoting some company, some brand. I’m just professing my faith.”

    “You know what, man? I don’t have time to worry about what people think. I’m focused on the youth of America. I’m focused on the kids who are dressing like whores. Because that’s the message in the media.”

    “I think it’s really terrifying that a country based on the foundations and ideals of God, is now systematically removing God from everything. Everything!”

  7. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by kara simsek, kara simsek. kara simsek said: Check out my Celeb Big Bro piece for @teamrockband https://wearenotarockband.wordpress.com/2010/01/04/it-bbegins/ TEAM BALDWIN! […]

  8. Lady Sov, all the way.

    She can’t dance and she really can’t sing, but she looks like someone I know…

  9. Hope someone will napalm that house and all celebs will experience painful death.

  10. Matttttttttttttt Says:

    Doyle, Doyle, Doyle of the jungle, watch out for that tree…

  11. It’s all about Katya. She’s so a more guilt-ridden and conflicted. So into herself. So dismissive of idiots. Cute, too.

  12. Love this post! Thanks for this. I’ll be sure to come back again. P.S: I’ve bookmark your site as well.

  13. i think that basic dog grooming should be done on a daily basis like combing the dog hairs“`

  14. dog grooming is the specialty of my sister, she really loves grooming every dog in our house ‘~~

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